Pure Panic: Life With Anxiety
Guest blogger: Victoria Tate
I would like to preface this article by saying people with real mental illness, such as depression or anxiety, really hate when you say you had a “panic attack” or you are “depressed” when you’ve truly never experienced these things. People jokingly say they had a panic attack because a stressful situation, and that really gets under my skin. I have them almost daily, and it’s a real thing that is not to be joked about or taken lightly.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks about five years ago. Everyone feels anxious from time to time, but when that anxiety interferes with your life every day, you have a problem. People with anxiety may have nervous habits, like always shaking the legs or touching themselves or chewing on pens. Those just happen to be my habits. I constantly touch my neck because it reminds me to breath, I tap things, bang on things, shake my feet and legs, and I pick at my face and body. When it gets really bad, I usually leave marks. You can kind of equate it to OCD, where you have your ticks and can’t control them.
When that anxiety turns to panic, real panic, it disrupts whatever activity you are involved in and becomes all you can focus on.
I’ve had full on panic attacks in the middle of Walgreen’s over who knows what. Just this weekend, I was at the mall by myself trying to get a little retail therapy. When I was in line to try my clothes on, I felt it coming. You can feel it in the pit of your stomach. Something you’ve never truly felt before and can’t quite put your finger on unless you have experienced an attack before. As I was waiting, I felt it coming and knew I had to get out of the store at that very moment or it would be a public panic attack which is very embarrassing.
Panic attack involve you not being able to control your breathing, it’s like your breath can only make it to the very top of your lungs and you feel like you are suffocating. When you feel like you’re suffocating, you feel like you are dying which causes more panic and then I usually cry because I’m so scared, which doesn’t help the breathing issue. It last until I can talk myself out of it or it passes. It may be five minutes or 30 minutes. Once the panic passes, all of your energy is gone. After my experience this weekend, I slept for the rest of the day until the next morning.
People always ask me what caused me to panic. Was it the people in the store? Nope. Attacks happen at my house when I’m alone. Was it the location? Nope. It’s happened while driving the car, while I was at work surrounded by my students, and by myself. It’s happened at many locations. So, it’s not the location of something or the people around me that happens to freak me out. I could be completely normal and the panic happens. I think it has something to do with whatever I’m not hearing in my subconscious that seeps it’s way into my body. My body physically feels sick, like I am going to throw up. I’ve dry heaved before because of panic attacks, just wishing I could throw up and it would go away.
I’ve cried. I’ve almost crashed my car. I’ve embarrassed myself publicly.
So, yes, it’s real and, no, it’s nothing to joke about. If you don’t have panic attacks, don’t tell me you had one.
This is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone because the anxiety ruins your every day life and you don’t know when you’re going to have an attack, you just have one and you don’t know why. While I was in therapy, my therapist taught me to address the physical signs of an attack coming on and attempt to talk myself through it or out of it. You have to focus on where you are, what you are doing, and tell yourself over and over everything is okay, everything is okay. I can usually talk myself out of the attack, but sometimes I have to mentally talk to myself for an hour to keep it at bay. Sometimes it comes on so quickly and so strong that I can’t fight it. Sometimes you don’t have enough energy to fight it and you just have to let it happen. And then starts the rapid breathing, the feeling of wanting to vomit, and the crying until you are done.
The scariest part is not knowing when it will stop.
I just have to let it take its course and hope for the best.
When I had my very first panic attack I was at my home and I literally thought I was dying. I remember it vividly. It lasted over an hour. Thankfully, I have a friend who encouraged me to get help and I did. But it’s not like they went away, especially in trying times of my life, they get very bad and constant. It is something you just learn to live with. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen someone have an attack in a store or if someone close to you has had an attack in your presence, but I would advise you to tell them it’s okay. Not that it’s going to be okay. Because there is a difference. The person having the attack needs to know its okay at that moment, meaning they are safe and cared for, right then. Don’t tell them everything will be okay. Because it may not be okay, which could be why they are panicking in the first place.
Anxiety is a difficult illness to cope with.
If you feel like you truly have anxiety, I would encourage you to seek someone to talk to.
I think I should take my own advice and go back to my therapist, but I honestly haven’t gone back because I try and deny I have an issue. I’ve never taken medicine, but sometimes I think I may need to just to live day to day. The levels of anxiety in someone’s life may vary from time to time, but someone with real true medically diagnosed panic disorders live with this anxiety on a constant basis. I actually just spoke with my biological father about my anxiety and he told me he has been diagnosed with the same disorder. I think it connects us in some way and I find it nice knowing that I may have inherited it from him. Nice is a weird way of putting it, but at least it helps me understand where it may have come from.
And to me. That gives me peace.
– Christian Nicole
Published October 23, 2015
https://www.victoria-tate.com/2015/10/pure-panic-life-with-anxiety/
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