Depression: That Dark and Dumb B****
Guest blogger: Victoria Tate
Yesterday I heard the news that actor Robin Williams had taken his own life. I don’t watch many movies, I don’t follow pop culture. I rarely care about anything that goes on in the lives of celebrities; but reading about his battles with addiction and depression hit extremely close to home. We love to laugh over here at victoria-tate.com; but mental health is an issue that is very important to us. We want everyone to know that this is a safe place to talk about the things that are hard to talk about. There ain’t no shame in our game.
Editor-in- chief Elizabeth Price and contributors Lisa Laurenzo and Carolyn Medrano have decided to share their own struggles, with hopes that it gives those of you struggling the courage to seek help. Elizabeth Price shares below.
Throughout a large part of my adult life, I have struggled with depression.
Sometimes the depression can be debilitating, and other times it has been easier to manage. I have been on multiple medications and have attended therapy. I have read self-help books and gone to work shops. I have tried the natural route of supplements and diet and exercise. Though some of those things have helped, I have yet to find a “cure” to my illness. I have only been fortunate to find a medication that helps and to have loved ones that make it more manageable.
Depression for me isn’t an absence of ambition or even happiness. Depression doesn’t make me tired. Depression is what makes us more susceptible to sadness and negative thoughts, yes. But I don’t believe those thoughts are what debilitates us. For me it is feeling that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, no matter how hard I have tried to change the way that I think; none of those things cancel out the darkness. It is a fight almost impossible to win. We can have good days, months, and even years. We can almost forget what it is like to feed the darkness until the worst thing can and will creep up on us in ways that we have to use every ounce of our energy to handle, let alone fight. These setbacks usually happen when we least expect them. They will creep up on you when things are going well and can have the ability to send you completely over the edge.
As Robin Williams shows us, some of the most accomplished, talented and lively people struggle with depression. Depression ultimately isn’t what makes us dull or exhausted. It’s the fight against it that does; a fight that you are never, ever guaranteed to win. How many times have we seen someone conquer the world and then succumb to their demons shortly thereafter?
Trying to escape from your own mind is probably the hardest thing a human being can do.
Art by Megan Rose Gedris
If only it were this easy…
There are times you manage to win, but when this happens it is because you had to train your mind to be something completely different than who you are wired to be; you train your mind to go against everything nature and nurture made you to be. No matter how much you manage to accomplish, you still feel like you lost a large chunk of yourself. You know that in order for you to make sense to others you had to become smaller than who you are. No matter how wonderful life can get, a part of you will always feel like a liar. Even worse still, a part of you is always worried that the darkness will come back and take over.
Anti-depressants have helped me deal with the darker times; but I’ve paid my price. The cost of evening out my mood has been a loss of the higher points of being manic. I once lived my life with such passion and intensity at levels that I just can’t get to anymore; good and bad. Many people go off their potentially lifesaving meds because they get tired of feeling like a zombie. Anti-depressants can help us cope; but they often take away the creativity that comes with the ability to feel such deep emotion.
I find myself wondering constantly if the price of losing out on the extreme happiness I feel when I am not depressed is worth the benefit of avoiding the lowest points of sadness.
Our reason for starting this blog was to help those struggling be themselves; but there is another side of it. Some of us struggle not to be ourselves too much, to make ourselves and our feelings smaller so we can fit into the world around us. I spend a great amount of time feeling misunderstood due to people downplaying my darker times as me being over-emotional and thus discounting that the pain that I am feeling is actually real. This keeps many from sharing their thoughts which -as dramatic as it sounds- can end up being deadly.
As little as the lives of celebrities affect me, Williams’ death gave me the courage to publish this article. Suffering from chronic depression is not the same as dealing with temporary self-doubt or a rough patch. It isn’t something that can be easily fixed through good news or positive thinking. Depression and other mental illnesses are very real, and they are painful and scary and dangerous. Even with the best support system in the world it is an incredibly lonely fight.
I can understand why a person feels like ending their own life is the only way to escape their pain.
If I have learned anything it is that I owe it to myself to take the good with the bad. When I am happy I do my best to enjoy every minute of it, to help others, to use my talents, to go have fun. I surround myself with people that stand by me even in the most difficult times. I remind myself that there are people that I love and love me. I remind myself that I have a purpose. I know that I deserve to be happy. I might know that better than anything. -Elizabeth Price
In New Orleans, my happy place.
“‘My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer,’ the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.
‘Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams…'”
-The Alchemist
*No one in our staff is a medical expert of any kind. We are just normal girls trying to make it through the day. What we do know is that if you are suffering from continuous feelings of sadness, low self worth, or dark thoughts; it may be something way more than a rough patch. Depression is a real and very serious condition. It is not something that is easily fixed on your own. Reach out, ask for help, and don’t let anyone downplay the way you feel. You will be surprised the people that come through for you. I know I was.
Additional Resources:
The American Psychological Association
Mental Health Association of Greater Houston
A Splintered Mind (one of my personal favorite blogs about coping with depression and ADHD): “Overcoming AD/HD & Depression With Lots Of Humor And Attitude.”
Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo, and Me: A Graphic Memoir: Cartoonist Ellen Forney perfectly describes a bi-polar woman’s love/hate relationship with her illness.
The Alchemist: This Novel by Paulo Coelho is my the single greatest resource I have used to cope with my own depression and self doubt. This book changed my life.
Published July 12, 2014
http://www.victoria-tate.com/2014/07/staff-shares-struggles-depression-elizabeth-price/
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