Guest blogger: Victoria Tate

Perception: I have seemingly f***ed up a lot of things in the last three years. I have been fired from five jobs and lost dozens of friends. From the outside looking in, I have failed.

Reality: I am finding myself. No, I have found myself.

The last three years I have sacrificed my financial gain to properly care for my medically fragile daughter. I have worked my a** off. I lost and I lost until I finally won. I have found the job for me with a company who finally understands that I work to live; I don’t live to work. A company that understands that I can do my job from a laptop from my daughters hospital bed; that missing one hour of work to take Ruby to the doctor could save us from a week in the hospital. An employer that sees that I pride myself in my work and that I give 100 percent of myself because I understand that someone else’s dream and livelihood could be on the line. I am not a failure because other people couldn’t understand that.

People are my thing, even when I pretend that they are not.

In the last three years I have had amazing friendships grow. The kind that will last a lifetime. I have also let some people go. Others have let me go. I have learned that it really doesn’t matter if everyone likes you. Not all friends are meant to stay. Sometimes you connect with certain people because that’s what you need at the time to get you through but as you heal those people no longer have an everyday purpose. That doesn’t mean they weren’t important or don’t still hold a small place in your heart but they can’t be at the forefront anymore. That’s life.

I have also done things I am not proud of.

They seemed reasonable at time and even today I can still justify them, but at the price I paid, I wouldn’t do them again if given the chance. After plenty of nights spent dissecting every interaction and every argument. I feel confident in saying that I am flawed and I need improvement but not everything is my fault. I understand this about myself but many people don’t. Literally everyone on the planet is capable of being an a**hole.

There will always be things I say that I wish I could take back. There will be situations that I wish I could handle differently but I will not and can not take the blame for other people’s attitudes. It’s a two way street.

Perhaps the most important lesson I’ve learned on my journey of self-discovery is that there is a fine line between rising above a situation and letting people walk all over you.

Sadly, very few people stop and say to themselves, “Hmm this person is taking this so gracefully, maybe I should stop being an asshole.” I am one of those people who do try to take the time to stop and think but, like I said, I’m a rare breed. Most people see a lack of rebuttal as an invitation to continue their verbal and emotional assault. Most people have to be reprimanded and embarrassed before they get the message.

Congratulations, you played yourself.

I have reached a point in my life where I can’t deal with people who can’t agree to disagree. I can’t handle people who can’t take what they dish out, or worse pretend they don’t understand why they’re being called out. They have the audacity to think I am a doormat. I won’t deal with people who think their opinions or feelings are the only thing that matter. Yes, everyone’s feeling matter but that doesn’t mean the entire world revolves around you.

I don’t need fair-weather friends. You want to be my friend? You want to be in my life and in my kids lives? Make an effort or don’t get upset or act surprised when I’m not comfortable having you around.

As I said in the beginning though, in the past few years I have found forever friends. I find that one of the most important aspects of a strong friendship is a clear line of communication. Part of that clear line of communication means that when you tell me about your problems, I am going to be direct and honest with you.

I do this because I am on your side.

Don’t accuse me of being a bad friend when I give you honest advice. Don’t get pissed when I tell you something you don’t want to hear. Telling you what you want to hear isn’t my job. My job is to be there for you and help you live the best life you can, and that job means a lot to me. If you are making a bad decision I am going tell you. Don’t say that’s against friendship “code”. I take my friendships seriously; the code is to not let you screw up your life! What kind of friend would I be if I let you keep failing? The worst friend ever! I hope in a situation where I needed some honest advice a true friend would do the same for me .

I have spent the last three years learning about myself and learning about my relationships with others. There have been a lot of difficult moments. It has been anything but easy but I have learned to love myself wholly. I don’t want to be around people that just love me in pieces. To be in my life you have to love it all. Part of that having enough respect for me to find value in my opinions. Because if you don’t value my opinion, why would you want me in your life in the first place?

-Lisa Laurenzo

Published September 7, 2016

http://www.victoria-tate.com/2016/09/friendship-and-tough-love/

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