Overcoming Heartbreak
Guest blogger: Victoria Tate
There’s something so raw and beautiful about heartbreak; something about reaching levels of emotions from a perspective you’ve never seen before; something about feeling everything so deeply and with so much sensitivity.
Every ounce of you becomes permeable, vulnerable.
You are with the absence of love in your life and all that is left is pain; but pain is vivid.
It’s been almost two years now since I went through my heartbreak. He simply didn’t feel the same way I felt about him and my world fell apart. Everything was happening at this time. My uncle, who I was close to, passed away tragically. I got a DWI and went to jail. I failed miserably at my teaching job I had worked hard all through out college to get. I was broken completely, shattered.
Everything hurt, down to my very bones. As I entered a darkening depression I felt overwhelmingly guilty that the most painful part of my situation was rejection and loss of love; especially when I had just experienced a loss of life. I simply ached in a way that can only be understood by others who have experienced heartbreak, that burn in your chest and in your mind just wondering what you could have done or who you could have been to make things different.
He started seeing someone and so did I. I looked at her and wondered what it was about her that was better than me, what he loved about her that I didn’t have. I wondered if out there in the universe I had done something to be so undeserving; and that’s how I felt for a very long time. If the one I wanted didn’t want me, did I even deserve to be loved? My new, budding relationship ended shortly; and when new guy accused me of not being able to get over the past I turned a blind eye and scoffed. I reasoned with him that me ending the relationship had nothing to do with the past. I reasoned that I was over it, that my heart was on the mend. I lied because I had to lie to myself or I couldn’t make it through the day without breaking down.
With the pain of the rejection mixing with missing him so deeply; I convinced myself that hate was the only way to get over it.
I hated him passionately and with my entire being.
I wanted nothing more than to make him miserable. I wished he would die, even, because to me that wouldn’t be as bad as knowing what him not wanting to be with me felt like. The hate ate me up inside far worse than the sadness ever had. I became bitter, jaded, angry along with being depressed. Miserable was an understatement, I felt tortured. I cried myself to sleep every night wondering if it would ever get better, if the pain would ever go away.
The truth is that it doesn’t, not really. As with all tragedies, it becomes a part of you. A part of you that you don’t think of as much anymore; a part of you that doesn’t stab but sure can sting. Fortunately, however, the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015 marked an incredible transition of self-discovery and redemption for me. I found myself again when it felt like I never would. I became strong, and I searched my heart for understanding and forgiveness; both for him and for myself for the pain I had put myself through. I worked hard on every aspect of my life: emotionally, physically and mentally to become a better person. Throughout my journey he and I became friendly again; and it felt good to let him know I cared.
Sometimes it hurts to see him on Facebook with a new girl, or experiencing things I hoped we would experience together. I’m not in love with him anymore, but I do love him and I think I always will. I’m over him, but I don’t think I’ve fully recovered from the whole situation. It took me two years to be strong enough to write this.
My best friend is going through relationship troubles and she recently asked me if I thought he was “the one”. You know, the cheesy one, the one and only. I told her no, I didn’t think so; because now I believe that “the one” will love me the way I love them, the way I deserved to be loved. I don’t believe life is so cruel that it would match you up so unfairly forever. I don’t believe your soul mate would be a person that didn’t love you back. I don’t think I believe in soul mates at all anymore, because I believe in second chances.
What I did tell her is that I will never love another man like I loved him. I will never love another man like I loved him because you love everyone in your life differently. No two loves are ever alike completely. I’ll never love another man like I loved him; but maybe one day I’ll love a man more.
I spent so long being miserable I had forgotten what it was like to feel joy every day.
At first it was an unfamiliar feeling, and I fought it tooth and nail. I self-sabotaged because I was afraid of a happiness that might not last forever. I didn’t want to get my hopes up for something that would just leave me in the end. I listened to the lyrics from the song “Nobody Needs to Know” from the Musical The Last Five Years over and over again:
We build a treehouse.
We keep it from shaking.
A little more glue every time it breaks.
Perfectly balanced.
And then I start making
Conscience, deliberate, mistakes.
The words resonated with me as fought to end the path of self- destruction. I wanted desperately to learn to be happy, alone. I read this poem by R.M. Drake that hit me so ferociously that I knew I had it in me to find joy with the life I had been dealt.
You will learn from the solitude,
how the loneliness is beautiful.
You will learn how hard it is to love,
and that is why you feel
so goddamn alone sometimes.
You feel so tired.
You feel so broken and empty.
The broken do not get over the fire.
The become it until there is nothing left,
but even so, there is something.
A small flame is born
when you are alone.
A flame to keep you warm from
the coldness of the world.
You will learn how complete
isolation is a miracle,
how the love for yourself is a gift.
You will learn all these things
in the darkness,
and the pain will no longer hurt.
You will find perfect nirvana,
and you will never feel the
bitterness again.”
And with these words slowly, I found redemption.
Not just from the heartbreak, but from the guilt I felt from not being there for my uncle before he died, and the shame I felt from leaving my job. Slowly I forgave him for hurting me. Slowly I came to understand he couldn’t change his heart’s desires. Most of all I realized it wasn’t my fault he didn’t love me. It wasn’t his fault either.
The heart wants what it wants.
Nobody deserves heartbreak. Yes, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Yes, everything happens for a reason; but I don’t believe every lesson is one you need to learn.
I am so happy now. I have a new relationship; and it is blissful. It might be wishful thinking, but I like him quite a bit and I think it’ll last. My DWI is resolved now, and I have a job I love. Slowly my heart healed as I had hoped so desperately for healing. Slowly I became myself as I was supposed to be; joyful, independent, healthy and free.
-Elizabeth Price
Published February 15, 2016
http://www.victoria-tate.com/2016/02/1398/
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